A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Posts Tagged ‘arguments’


Feb 24

What’s the Bottom Line?

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
About Marriage Therapy


Oak Trees - Pleasanton
Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

Sometimes when I am listening to a man and a woman talk about a difficult issue, a problem that has become divisive and has impacted their happiness as a couple and may even be threatening their relationship, I try to use my intuition and my experience to figure out what is “really” going on, in other words, what is being felt but not being said.

I have come to believe that in a couple’s relationship the bottom-line question that lurks unseen, unspoken, and frequently exists outside of conscious awareness is this: how much do I matter to my spouse?

I have chosen the plainest way I can think of to state the question, but it can be said and thought of in other ways, some of which might make the sentiment a little clearer, so consider the following variations.  Are we still a happy couple and are we going to remain so?  Am I the most important person in your life? Is there anything I don’t know that I should be worried about? These are the questions that can cause so much pain to someone who is no longer sure what the spouse’s answer would be.

The issues that a couple argues about and that frequently land them in my office are frequently not the “real” issues. My job is is see beneath what is spoken and figure out what is really going on.