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Posts Tagged ‘Attachment’


Jul 12

Responding While Under Stress

By Jay Slupesky
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Attachment

Husband Reading EmailImagine a husband sitting down to the family’s computer. He notices that his wife forgot to log out of her email account before she left for work that morning. Unable to resist the temptation, he looks at some of her email, and finds a message sent to her from one of her male co-workers. The message is inappropriate in that the co-worker says that he thinks the woman is “hot.” Naturally, this gets the husband’s attention, and he calls wife to ask her about it. What does he say? Here are three possibilities:

  1. “This email really bothers me. Is there something going on between you and this guy? I hope not. I love you and I don’t want anything to threaten our marriage.” (Secure attachment)
  2. “How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! Now it’s all over. I knew that I couldn’t trust you. I should have started checking up on you a long time ago.” (Anxious attachment)
  3. “Fine. Whatever. I hope you have fun with him. I don’t want to talk about this any more. I’ll be at the gym when you get home.” (Avoidant attachment)

Which of these three possibilities is most likely to get a full and honest response from the wife?



Dec 23

Attachment and 9/11

By Jay Slupesky
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Attachment

World Trade Center tribute, 9/11/2005If you read my blog entry Are You Attached?, you may be curious about how you can find out what type of attachment best describes you. Here’s a good way to find out. Ask yourself how you respond (or who you go to) in time of fear and uncertainty. What do you do when you feel threatened? Who do you talk to when you are discouraged? In cases like this, do you have someone you can go to for comfort?  If so, you are probably securely attached to that person.  He or she is the one who can soothe you and help you feel like everything is going to be OK. If that person is your spouse/partner, that’s great!

What if, on the other hand, you don’t have anyone you can go to in your times of trouble?  You are alone, and you become nervous and upset. You are anxiously attached.

Or what if you think that no one could possibly help you, and that you are strong enough to solve your problems on your own? You are avoidantly attached.

Think back to September 11, 2001, when you first heard about what happened and realized the magnitude of it. How did you react, knowing that the U.S. was under attack? Did you talk to a friend/spouse/lover who helped you feel more secure?  Did you become anxious, upset, or depressed?  Or did you feel detached?  This is a good way to understand your attachment type.

For those in marriage therapy, or just contemplating your relationship, it’s good to know what type of attachment you have with your spouse/partner.  Is he or she a source of security for you?



Jun 11

Are You Attached?

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
Attachment

Mother and DaughterYes, the title of this entry was inspired by Are You Experienced?, the 1967 debut album of the Jimi Hendrix Experience. Great, great stuff.

There is a popular field in psychology known as Attachment Theory. It was developed by a fellow named John Bowlby beginning back in the late 1950s. Bowlby studied how babies are attached to their adult caregivers (usually the mother). He watched how babies reacted when they were separated from their mothers. If the baby cried when the mother left, but then calmed down when she returned, it was deemed securely attached. If the baby didn’t seem to care about its mother leaving, and didn’t react much when she returned, or perhaps warmed to a stranger, it was considered to be insecurely attached. Bowlby believed that a secure attachment in infancy was necessary for normal social and emotional development.

What does this have to do with marriage therapy? Well, there is also an attachment theory of adult romantic relationships, and it somewhat parallels that of infants. Here are the types of attachment for an individual relative to the person he or she loves. Which one seems to fit you the best?

  • Secure Attachment - being with your loved one soothes you; you feel secure and safe. It gives you the confidence that you can go out on your own and be autonomous, confident that the other will be there for you when you return. This, of course, is the best way to be attached to your partner. You have a positive view of yourself and a positive view of others.
  • Anxious Attachment - you are anxious and upset when separated from the other; possibly exhibiting clingy behavior. You’re not confident about your partner’s love for you. You may pick a fight to try to get a reaction, especially if your partner is Avoidant (see the next entry). You have negative view of yourself, but a positive view of others.
  • Avoidant Attachment - Again, you are not confident of the other’s love, but instead of responding with anxiety and/or anger, you distance yourself and sometimes focus on other tasks to deal with the hurt. You have a positive view of yourself, but a negative view of others.
  • Fearful Avoidant Attachment - You want to be close, but then run away, untrusting, when closeness is offered. You have negative self-image as well as negative view of others.

In couples counseling, the therapist should know what type of attachment the wife has as well was what type the husband has. An often-seen combination is the anxious wife and the avoidant husband. The goal of marital therapy, of course, is to achieve secure attachment for both spouses.