A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Posts Tagged ‘Communication’
Think back to your childhood. Do you remember a time when you got in trouble or were punished for something you didn’t intend to do? Take a moment now to put yourself back in that situation and recall how you felt as your parent (or caregiver) reacted without even trying to understand what actually happened. Did you feel angry? Misunderstood? Hurt? Unnecessarily criticized? Unfairly treated? Disrespected?
Most likely, you can identify with this. You might have even have sworn that you would never do this to someone else. The unfortunate reality is that many of us end up doing this to our partner or spouse! Sadly, a sudden and often intense reaction (that can end up feeling like a punishment to the other person) often precedes a full understanding of the situation.
Here’s a “for instance”. A friend of mine described an outing she had with her husband. They went on a bike ride, sharing quality time and enjoying the sunny weather. Everything was going well until her husband accidentally cut her off on the bike path, resulting in her losing her balance and falling. She verbally lashed out at him. Yes, of course, she was hurt, but did her husband did not intend for that to happen.
So what went wrong? My friend assumed that her husband cut her off intentionally. Instead of assuming the best about him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, she assumed the worst. She didn’t gain any information or try to understand whether or not he meant to cut her off. You might be thinking, “Well, she still fell and got hurt, whether he meant to cut her off or not.” Yes. But that doesn’t justify her yelling at her husband about it.
The effect of not giving your partner or spouse the benefit of the doubt has its consequences. In the above example, the husband felt extraordinarily hurt and angry due to feeling completely misunderstood, unfairly criticized, and disrespected.
Bottom line: While it might be difficult at times, practice assuming the best about your partner or spouse. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt in all situations—even when you are adversely affected—until you have information or understanding to prove otherwise. When your partner or spouse does something that makes you feel like lashing out or criticizing, take a deep breath, count to 10, and remember that giving him or her the benefit of the doubt is a way to diffuse tension, misunderstandings, and potential retaliations. And it’s also a powerful act of love and respect. And I guarantee that in the end, you’ll feel better about yourself too.
It’s perfectly normal for there to be occasional disagreements and conflict in healthy relationships andmarriages. While this type of interaction is probably not ideal, it truly is part of the reality of being in a committed relationship. Living side by side with another human being who may have a very different background and different ideas about life and money and family means that misunderstandings and miscommunications are inevitable.
What is interesting (if not completely awesome) is that while some conflicts are unavoidable, research has shown that having a reserve or reservoir of positive, caring exchanges and interactions can soften the blow. In fact, it can even help you to avoid overreacting to a misunderstanding. Think about it: if your spouse took the time to stop and notice something you did, or asked about a current stressful situation in your life, you will most likely feel more loved, attended to, and supported. Or consider if you and your partner shared a mutually loving and positive interaction or experience which increased your reservoirs of goodwill—such as taking a walk or hike together, working on a project around the house, cooking a meal together, having a “date night”, etc.—you will most likely feel better and closer and more willing to overlook momentary miscommunications or irritations.
So if it is true that this reservoir of goodwill serves as an antidote to potential squabbles, why not practice filling your spouse’s resorvoir? It’s free and painless and while it may feel like a drop in the bucket, it’s can be so much more. Enough drops over time create a reserve that can be drawn upon when conflict does arise. I think of it as “saving for a rainy day.”
A few additional notes:
- Challenge yourself to notice — not as a task or a chore but as a positive choice. It’s amazing how much you will begin to notice if you intentionally look for different and new ways to affirm your spouse.
- If you cannot find anything on which to positively comment, or any activity to share with your spouse, try to learn: ask questions and get to know your spouse better. What matters most? What are some favorite hobbies or activities? What does a day in his or her life really look like? What are his/her goals, hopes and dreams?
- Make sure that you find the best times to have these exchanges. Find out when your spouse is the least distracted and most open and able to receive what you have to share.
- Last but not least, it’s not about you. The goal is to focus on your partner’s reservoir of goodwill regardless of how well or how equally you believe that your own reservoir is being filled. Give to give more, don’t give to get.
- Grand Piano Strings
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
The research journal Personal Relationships has published a study about - and I am not making this up - whether it’s possible to predict if a couple will stay together just by looking at what words they use in their instant message (IM) conversations. The answer they came up with is yes, it is indeed possible.
The study showed that the use of certain pronouns and emotion words is an indicator of relationship satisfaction and stability. Some words indicate happy relationships and some other words indicate unhappiness.
So, what are the words? I’m glad you asked.
For women, the use of the word “I” indicates satisfaction with themselves and the relationship. Men’s use of the word “me” indicates more of a dissatisfaction. Hmmm.
Men’s use of positive emotion words (e.g. “happy”) indicates satisfaction and stability, and women’s use of positive negations (e.g. “not happy”) indicates dissatisfaction. One additional interesting tidbit is that the use of sarcasm (e.g. “oh, great”) is a bad sign when used both men and women.
So I’m wondering: did they really need a research study to figure this out? I think I could have told them - and saved them all the time and money they spent on the research!
- Sunset Over San Francisco
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
Some people have trouble asking their spouse for things they want. It can be something little or something big, but for some individuals there are reasons to keep their desires to themselves.
Perhaps the subject is what to do next weekend and you’d really like to go to Tahoe. Maybe it’s that you want to have sex tonight. Or it’s that you want to rearrange the living room furniture.
What keeps people from being open about what they want? I can think of three things:
- They are avoiding conflict. If they say what they want it may lead to an argument, and that would not be good.
- They feel they don’t “deserve” what they want. This sounds like a self-esteem issue to me. Some people feel that they must sacrifice their needs and desires for the good of the relationship.
- They are afraid of being turned down. The possibility of the spouse saying “no” is scary. This happens most often, I think, in the area of sex. The man (for example) may want sex, but he doesn’t ask, because his wife might say no, and that would be hard for the man to deal with. So he avoids the possibility by not bringing the issue up in the first place.
I find that people who don’t ask for things typically build up resentment over their needs not being met. This resentment is bound to come out, either quickly in a big blow-up, or slowly, with contempt on a day-by-day basis. Neither is good. I almost always try to convince my clients that it’s best for the relationship to speak freely about your desires. It’s counterproductive to do anything else.
- Flock of Dunlins in Flight
- Photo © 2008 Jay Slupesky
Have you ever given your spouse the silent treatment? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment? In my experience, a person resorts to silence when they are angry and/or hurt and either (1) unable to communicate their feelings, or (2) want to punish their spouse. Or both.
The person who is choosing silence has temporarily claimed some power in the relationship. Things are going to be on hold until he or she decides to end the silence. The other person may be protesting the situation and making repeated attempts to repair things, but it only ends when the silent person wants it to end. That’s a position of power that the silent person may feel they normally are lacking.
To be on the receiving end of silence is no fun. In fact, it’s painful. Some clients have told me how they develop physical symptoms and/or acute depression after a few days of no communication with the person they love.
When I encounter this situation in my counseling office I usually ask the silent person a few thought-provoking questions. These are:
- What benefits are you receiving from this situation?
- What will make you decide to end the silence?
- What effect do you think this is having on your spouse?
I think the first question is the most important one. It usually takes some time for the person to figure out the answer, but when they do, they usually realize that are making a big mistake.
- Contrail Over San Francisco Bay
- Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky
When I meet with couples whose marriages are in crisis, I see people in severe emotional pain. Why is it so painful when your relationship is troubled? What is it that keeps us awake at night?
According to psychological “Attachment Theory” we are all born with a need for emotional closeness and connectedness with others. As children this need is satisfied by our parents, but as adults we need love and responsiveness from another adult.
Back to the couple whose marriage is troubled: the secure attachment with another adult is damaged and may even be close to ending. We’re not getting the love that we need from another adult. That is painful enough. The thought that the relationship might end can be scary.
By the way, the need for secure attachment explains a lot of the anger that occurs in a couple’s relationship. When we perceive a threat to our happy relationship, we protest. Unfortunately, the protest often takes the form of anger and harsh words (which damages things even more) rather than a a clear statement expressing a heartfelt need (which should result in more intimacy). That’s why good communication skills are so important.
- Kitten
As any communication-oriented marriage counselor will tell you, it’s always better to make an “I statement” than a “You statement.” What you say should be about yourself and your own feelings (and hence it can easily begin with the word “I”) as opposed to a blaming or criticizing statement about someone else (and such a statement which probably would begin with the word “you.”)
I thought it would be fun to dream up some You statements and turn them into the likely I statement that should be made instead.
You statement: “You are always angry.” I statement: “when you act that way I worry that you are angry at me.”
You statement: “You don’t pay attention to me.” I statement: “I’m worried that you aren’t as interested in me as you used to be.”
You statement: “You don’t say you love me anymore.” (I think that’s a song lyric!) I statement: “I’m afraid that you don’t love me anymore” or perhaps “I feel unloveable.”
You statement: “You’re mean to my friends.” I statement: “I wish that my friends could see what a great person you are.”
And one more. You statement: “You are a selfish narcissist.” I statement: “I worried that my desires aren’t important to you any longer.”
Think about how you react if your spouse made some of these You statements to you. Then think how you would react to the corresponding I statements. Hopefully your reaction to the I statements would not be defensive or attacking but would be another caring I statement.
- Fruit Stand, Canterbury, England
Dan Wile has some great thoughts about communication in marriage. He says that at any moment intimacy is just one or two sentences away. The problem is figuring out what the sentences are!
Let’s look at some possibilities.
- You could attack or defend. For example, “Why didn’t you call me today? You said you would.” This turns your partner into the adversary. No intimacy is achieved.
- You could avoid. For example, ”How was work?” You hide your disappointment about not getting the phone call. No intimacy is achieved here either.
- You could confide your feelings. “This is kind of embarassing to admit, but all day long I was looking forward to you calling me. I really missed talking to you.” Intimacy now results because you’ve turned your partner into an ally instead of an adversary.
The great thing about confiding feelings is that frequently triggers the other person to do the same thing. In other words, intimacy is self-reinforcing.
In marriage therapy we work on making these kind of statements all the time.
- Bird on Berkeley Pier
Just kidding about that title. I’ve heard The Secret the Credit Card Companies Don’t Want You to Know commercial on the radio too many times. However, I do want to write about something that may come as a surprise to you.
Some couples begin counseling with the belief that they should feel warm & fuzzy about each other at the end of every counseling session. When that doesn’t happen they think that I must not be doing my job very well. I’ve even had couples drop out of counseling after a difficult session.
The fact is that some couples are conflict-avoidant, meaning that they don’t talk about things that might lead to an argument. Those subjects that they don’t talk about at home are things that we need to talk about in my office. That means that at the end of the session they may feel worse about each other than they did at the beginning of the session. They won’t be feeling warm & fuzzy about one another when they leave my office! But in the long run their marriage is going to be stronger because they have made progress on a key issue.
- Kids and Teacher, Qaqortoq, Greenland
I usually have at least one new client couple per week. I like it that way; I enjoy meeting new couples and getting them going in the counseling process. The first session is always fascinating to me. Will this couple be similar to others I’ve worked with? Or will they tell me something unique that I’ve never encountered before?
In the first session I ask about the conflict level. Occasionally a couple will tell me that they never argue. “Never argue? So you agree about everything?” I ask. Well…no. They don’t agree about everything. No two people agree about everything. What they are really indicating is that a lot of issues aren’t being discussed.
If one or both partners wants to avoid conflict, they might just not talk about what is bothering them. Thus, the couple never argues! Of course, they probably are feeling distant from each other, and they may be one reason they are in my office.
How to help the couple that never argues? Convince them that it’s better to talk about problems than to act as if they don’t exist. And teach them to talk about issues in a mutually respectful way, where both partners remain calm, there is no name-calling, no put-downs, and both parties feel understood.
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