A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Posts Tagged ‘Communication’
- Kitten
As any communication-oriented marriage counselor will tell you, it’s always better to make an “I statement” than a “You statement.” What you say should be about yourself and your own feelings (and hence it can easily begin with the word “I”) as opposed to a blaming or criticizing statement about someone else (and such a statement which probably would begin with the word “you.”)
I thought it would be fun to dream up some You statements and turn them into the likely I statement that should be made instead.
You statement: “You are always angry.” I statement: “when you act that way I worry that you are angry at me.”
You statement: “You don’t pay attention to me.” I statement: “I’m worried that you aren’t as interested in me as you used to be.”
You statement: “You don’t say you love me anymore.” (I think that’s a song lyric!) I statement: “I’m afraid that you don’t love me anymore” or perhaps “I feel unloveable.”
You statement: “You’re mean to my friends.” I statement: “I wish that my friends could see what a great person you are.”
And one more. You statement: “You are a selfish narcissist.” I statement: “I worried that my desires aren’t important to you any longer.”
Think about how you react if your spouse made some of these You statements to you. Then think how you would react to the corresponding I statements. Hopefully your reaction to the I statements would not be defensive or attacking but would be another caring I statement.
- Fruit Stand, Canterbury, England
Dan Wile has some great thoughts about communication in marriage. He says that at any moment intimacy is just one or two sentences away. The problem is figuring out what the sentences are!
Let’s look at some possibilities.
- You could attack or defend. For example, “Why didn’t you call me today? You said you would.” This turns your partner into the adversary. No intimacy is achieved.
- You could avoid. For example, ”How was work?” You hide your disappointment about not getting the phone call. No intimacy is achieved here either.
- You could confide your feelings. “This is kind of embarassing to admit, but all day long I was looking forward to you calling me. I really missed talking to you.” Intimacy now results because you’ve turned your partner into an ally instead of an adversary.
The great thing about confiding feelings is that frequently triggers the other person to do the same thing. In other words, intimacy is self-reinforcing.
In marriage therapy we work on making these kind of statements all the time.
- Bird on Berkeley Pier
Just kidding about that title. I’ve heard The Secret the Credit Card Companies Don’t Want You to Know commercial on the radio too many times. However, I do want to write about something that may come as a surprise to you.
Some couples begin counseling with the belief that they should feel warm & fuzzy about each other at the end of every counseling session. When that doesn’t happen they think that I must not be doing my job very well. I’ve even had couples drop out of counseling after a difficult session.
The fact is that some couples are conflict-avoidant, meaning that they don’t talk about things that might lead to an argument. Those subjects that they don’t talk about at home are things that we need to talk about in my office. That means that at the end of the session they may feel worse about each other than they did at the beginning of the session. They won’t be feeling warm & fuzzy about one another when they leave my office! But in the long run their marriage is going to be stronger because they have made progress on a key issue.
- Kids and Teacher, Qaqortoq, Greenland
I usually have at least one new client couple per week. I like it that way; I enjoy meeting new couples and getting them going in the counseling process. The first session is always fascinating to me. Will this couple be similar to others I’ve worked with? Or will they tell me something unique that I’ve never encountered before?
In the first session I ask about the conflict level. Occasionally a couple will tell me that they never argue. “Never argue? So you agree about everything?” I ask. Well…no. They don’t agree about everything. No two people agree about everything. What they are really indicating is that a lot of issues aren’t being discussed.
If one or both partners wants to avoid conflict, they might just not talk about what is bothering them. Thus, the couple never argues! Of course, they probably are feeling distant from each other, and they may be one reason they are in my office.
How to help the couple that never argues? Convince them that it’s better to talk about problems than to act as if they don’t exist. And teach them to talk about issues in a mutually respectful way, where both partners remain calm, there is no name-calling, no put-downs, and both parties feel understood.
John Gottman has a theory about Positive Sentiment Override vs. Negative Sentiment Override in a couple’s communication. It’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. Consider a perfectly neutral statement such as, “we’re almost out of milk.” One possible response to this is, “OK, I should be able to pick up some more tomorrow.” This is positive. Another possible response would be something like, “so I’m a failure at grocery shopping? Why are you always criticizing me?” This is, of course, negative. This negative reponse is defensive and seems to indicate a chip on the shoulder.
How to change Sentiment Override from Negative to Positive? Work on reducing criticism and increasing appreciation.
Sometimes the best solution to a disagreement between partners is to agree on a compromise. Each person gives a little on their position and the couple “meets in the middle.”
How easily can you and your spouse discuss a difficult problem and reach a solution that is acceptable to both of you? The ability to reach a compromise is good tool to have in your marriage toolbox.
Here are some pointers on compromising:
- Figure out what aspects of the problem the two of you agree on. Where is there agreement? Begin by focusing on that.
- Tell each other what your goals are in this situation. Each person should clearly understand the other person’s goals.
- Now the part that you don’t agree about. Once again, be sure you understand what the other person’s position is, and why it so important to them.
- Figure out where there is some flexibility in both positions.
- Take turns making suggested compromises with some give-and-take until an agreement is reached.
We typically think of couples where the woman talks a lot more than the man. She can talk about how she feels and communicate what she wants, but the man can’t or won’t do so nearly as much.
But in some couples that I have worked with, neither partner communicates very much. Both hesititate to tell the other how they feel, what they think, or what they want.
I think this is a recipe for trouble. My typical comment in a situation like this is, “Wow. There must be a lot of things going unsaid.” When hurt feelings are bottled up, feelings of resentment rise and a blow-up is usually just around the corner. Multiply this by two when both partners are keeping their feelings to themselves.
What’s the solution? Create an environment where it’s safe to say how you feel because you are confident that you will get an understanding response.
Here is a little quiz about how well you and your spouse (or partner) resolve your conflicts. There is no scoring, but hopefully you will find it thought-provoking.
By the way: time spent with a skill marriage counselor can greatly improve your conflict resolution ability!
- Do you sometimes not say things during arguments because you don’t want to hurt my spouse’s feelings? Or can you comfortably (and respectfully) state your position?
- Do arguments over little things turn into big arguments? Or are they resolved quickly?
- Do the two of you have different opinions about the best way to handle your disagreements? Or do you have a reliable method to reach resolution?
- Do you usually end up feeling guilty after an argument?
- Do you do too much to avoid arguments? Or are arguments something that you don’t need to fear?
- Do you tend to give in too soon in order to end an argument with your spouse? Or are you able to proceed comfortably?
- Does your spouse not take your side seriously? Or does he/she respect your opinion?
- Can you not tell your spouse your feelings because of his/her possible reaction?
- Does your spouse not understand your point of view during disagreements? Hopefully he/she takes the time to see things from your point of view.
- Do some of your disagreements never get resolved? This can lead to ongoing contempt and resentment.
As I’ve written about before, probably more than half of the couples I meet with tell me that they have communication problems. Following are some questions that I ask to try to clarify exactly what the problem is. Ask yourself these questions!
- Can you tell your partner about things that are bothering you? Or do you keep those things to yourself because you don’t want to upset your partner? People who don’t talk about hurts can build up resentment.
- Do you feel “heard” by your partner? Does he/she respect your opinion and consider your point of view?
- Can you ask for partner for things that you want? Or are you afraid of being turned down or punished in some way?
- When you are partner disagree about something, do one (or both) of you refuse to talk about it? In other words, does one of you “withdraw” as a defense against possible conflict?
- Do you wish your partner were more willing to talk to you? Are you lonely and wanting deeper conversations?
- Does your partner always know how you feel? He/she will only know if you are feel free to talk about your feelings! (See #1)
I was recently interviewed for the “Workin’ It” website. I’m reposting the interview here:
1. What are the five most common problems that motivate couples to attend marriage counseling?
Here are the top five, but not in any particular order:
Blended family issues. This occurs most often when one of the spouses has been married before and has kids from that marriage. If the kids are at least 10 or so, there can be trouble between them and the stepparent which then becomes trouble in the marriage.
An Affair. One spouse has been caught or has admitted to cheating. This is devastating, of course, and sometimes ends the marriage. But some couples want to work through it, and so they come to counseling.
Porn addiction. This is becoming a bigger issue due to the easy availability of pornography on the Internet. Some men become addicted to porn. They sometimes can hide it for a while, but eventually the problem surfaces.
Stage-of-life crisis. I see this more often in women than in men, believe it or not. The most common case is that of a woman who was a stay-at-home mom but who has something of an identity crisis when the youngest child leaves home. She frequently makes some significant life changes at this point and may re-evaluate whether or not she wants to stay married.
Communication problems. Many couples don’t know how to express their feelings to each other in a healthy way. At one extreme, they may argue constantly. At the other extreme, both people keep their feelings to themselves. Neither option is good.
2. Is it sometimes obvious to you after a session or two that the couple you’re treating would be better off apart?
Yes. For example, if I find out that the husband is physically abusing his wife or is extremely controlling of her and that he is not willing to try to change, then I think it’s better for the wife to leave him. I spent a year working as an intern counselor at a domestic violence shelter, so I am quite familiar with this pattern of behavior on the man’s part. Sometimes the man will claim that he had ‘no choice’ but to hit his wife because she ‘provoked’ him. Or I might find out that the wife has to let her husband know where she is at all times and that she is not ‘allowed’ to go certain places or see her friends. These are all red flags to me.
3. What problems do you sometimes see that can’t be solved through the counseling process?
Occasionally I will get a couple where one spouse has announced that he/she wants out of the marriage. The other spouse doesn’t want the marriage to end and has convinced the unhappy partner to attend counseling in an attempt to patch things up before agreeing to separation or divorce. Unfortunately, by this time it is usually too late to fix things because the unhappy spouse has been unsatisfied for years and already has one foot out the door. This is a case in which the couple should have begun counseling several years earlier.
4. Do couples have to be married to engage your services?
No. I see unmarried couples as well as married ones. This includes young couples who are planning to be married as well as older couples who have no plans to marry. Although many relationship problems are common to both married and unmarried couples, I have noticed that unmarried couples are more likely to have “trust issues.” They suspect that their partner is cheating on them and so will be spying on them by reading their email, checking their phone, looking at their MySpace page, etc. A lot of times people with trust issues have been cheated on in previous relationships so it’s not hard to understand why they fear that it will happen again.
5. Do you occasionally get couples with very minor problems that can be worked out quickly, but simply need an intermediary?
Yes. A couple may be generally happy and satisfied with their relationship but be stuck on one particular issue. It might be something to do with job choice, a financial decision, or a major decision involving children. When this happens they may come to me for a few sessions just to have an impartial third party engender a healthy discussion and point out options that may not have been considered.
6. Do you find that people are often surprised by what is said by their partners during a counseling session?
Yes, this happens sometimes. For example, sometimes a person will ’save’ an issue for the next counseling session rather than bringing it up at home. This is because he/she feels safer discussing the issue with me in the room; I won’t let the discussion get nasty or out of control.
7. What general advice can you give to couples who want a long, successful partnership?
Try to see things from one another’s points of view. I’ve written about this recently on my blog. It sounds easy, but in fact it’s not easy at all and requires some concentration. If you can put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and feel things as if you were in his/her position, you go a long way toward being able to understand him/her. When both spouses understand each other at this level, conflict goes way down.
The sad fact is that many couples will argue just for the sake of trying to convince each other of who is right and who is wrong. They completely gloss over the hurt feelings that caused the argument to begin in the first place. They should really be talking about the hurt feelings and not who is right and who is wrong.
8. How many jobs have you held in your life?
Fast food worker, warehouse clerk, landscaper, radio station engineer, electrical engineer and therapist. I guess that’s six.
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