A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Posts Tagged ‘Communication’
The other day, I had a few hours between meetings with clients, and I went for a bite to eat. While I was sitting in a restaurant, I happened to overhear someone use these words: “If I were in their shoes…”
Have you ever thought about really being in someone else’s shoes? Not, literally, of course; being in someone else’s shoes is a euphemism for empathy, which is to know exactly how some else is feeling. That’s hard to do in a world where we taught to get in touch with our own feelings. Should we even bother to be empathic? And, if so, how can you do it?
This the subject of a new book written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott called Trading Places. The cover of the book has a clever illustration of a shoe whose front half is a man’s shoe and the rear half is a red high heel! The Parrots point out that empathy is an extremely important characteristic to have in a good marriage. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes (or “skin”) is a way of understanding where they are coming from. This does wonders for reducing conflict between spouses.
Walt Whitman wrote, “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I become the wounded person.” That’s empathy - actually feeling what the other person feels. Analyzing trades places in the head, sympathizing trades places in the heart, but empathizing does both. It is to understand from both the head and the heart.
So what does empathy (or “trading spaces”) do? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a list of a few things that empathy can accomplish in your marriage:
- reduce criticism
- eliminate nagging
- make conflicts shorter
- makes you better friends/partners
- reinforces commitment
- brings “grace” to your marriage
- makes for a longer life
- allows for dreams to flourish
As Dr. and Dr. Parrott say: “When you accurately see any situation from another’s point of view, when you can experience it like they do, you instantly take a different approach to it“.
On Tuesday, May 6, this humble blog will be the host of the Parrotts’ two-week “Blog Tour” in which we’ll post a question to them, along with their answer. So stay tuned! In the meantime, you might want to try out trading places with your spouse.
John Gottman writes and speaks about how important it is for couples to have lots of conversation. He points out that a good conversation every day has a big effect of reducing stress between two people. In marriage counseling, I frequently find myself in the position of trying to get couples to talk to each other more than they do. I doing so, I have met the enemy, and the enemy is television.
I am amazed at how much television people watch these days. When I ask couples how they spend a typical evening, many of them say something like “eat dinner, watch TV all evening, then go to bed.” I point out to them that it’s hard to have a conversation with the television on. In response, some people say they talk during the commercials! This is when I roll my eyes (actually I can’t roll my eyes, but if I could, I would do it at this point). Even if you mute the television while the commercials are on, most people are still looking at the screen. So how good can the conversation be if (1) it can only be as long as the commercials last, and (2) instead of looking at the person you’re speaking with, you are looking at the television? Not very good.
Of course, this presumes that both people are watching the same television. Some couples tell me that one person watches television in one room while the other watches a different television in a different room. This is because they don’t like the same shows. Yikes! Don’t people want to be together anymore? And what happened to compromise, at least when it comes to deciding what to watch?
As a marriage counselor, I work lots of evenings because that’s the only time a lot of couples can attend counseling sessions. Because I work evenings, I couldn’t watch much TV even if I wanted to. I don’t even know who is in the running for American Idol. I’ve never seen House or Desperate Housewives. Oh well.
So, a modest proposal: turn off the TV an hour earlier (or turn it on an hour later) than you normally would, and do something (anything) else. Play a game (Twister, anyone?). Go for a walk. Give each other massages. Oh yeah, and talk to each other.
During marriage therapy sessions, I hear about many arguments between husbands and wives. Couples can argue about little things and big things. They can argue about important things and unimportant things. They can even start out arguing about something small and unimportant, and before long, the topic has somehow switched to something big and important. People can even argue about things that happened years ago, as if it were possible to somehow change something that’s already happened.
I try to get couples to “soften” the things they say to one another during disagreements. As I’ve said before in this space, name-calling is never a good idea. Nor is it wise to compare your spouse negatively to someone else (”John’s wife earns a lot more money than you do!”). But I thought I go a bit further and make a list of ten “soft” phrases that could and should be used in disagreements.
Here’s my list:
- I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean what I just said. Let me retract that and try again.
- I can understand what you’re saying.
- I love you.
- What you just said really hurt my feelings.
- How can we work together to solve this problem?
- We’re starting to get worked up. Let’s take a 15-minute break to cool off, and then continue talking.
- Can I have a hug?
- I agree with some of things you say.
- I appreciate it that you ….
- What you just said was pretty harsh. Could you please rephrase it?
Sound corny? Maybe. But I think they work to keep things calm, to remind yourself not to overreact, and to periodically disarm your partner with your own kindness and vulnerability.
Try it out!
Every couple has some issues that they disagree about. If you would like to make your marriage even better, you can polish your discussion skills. How can you do that? Here are five good ways recommended by author John Gottman:
- Start Softly. It’s important to start the discussion in a calm and respectful way. It’s good make I statements, not You statements, and describe the problem without making a judgment.
- Make and Receive Repair Attempts. Throughout the discussion, remember to point out the aspects that you agree about. This helps to deescalate tension. Maintain a sense of humor. If you realize that you’re wrong about something, don’t hesitate to say so. Apologize if you say something you regret.
- Soothe Yourself, Soothe Your Spouse. It’s hard to think rationally when you’re angry. So it’s best for an angry person to soothe himself or herself before continuing the discussion. Take a break. Go for a walk. Then come back and continue the discussion when you’ve calmed yourself.
- Compromise. In a happy marriage, there is going to be a lot of compromising. If one person gets their way most of the time, the other person is going to build up resentment. If you’re going to compromise, you can’t close your mind off to considering what your spouse wants.
- Be Tolerant of One Another’s Faults. No one is perfect. If you expect perfection, it’s going to be difficult for you and your spouse to solve problems. Instead, focus your thoughts on your spouse’s positive aspects so that you can live with their imperfections.
Many couples tell me that their marriage would be better if they didn’t have so many disagreements. In fact…is there any couple that would like more disagreements in their marriage? No, we want less conflict. Fewer arguments, in other words. How can you do that? Well, one really good way to begin that process is to identify the roles that you and your spouse play when it comes to talking about issues that you disagree about.
Most often what we see is that one spouse plays the role we call the “pursuer” and the other is the “withdrawer.” The pursuer and the withdrawer.
What is a pursuer? Here are some of the things I hear pursuers say: “He ignores me. He’s hardly ever around. He works too much. He never listens to me. I’m not very high on his priority list. He doesn’t listen to me. I feel like we’re just roommates.” Does any of that sound like someone you know?
Now, what does a withdrawer say? Check these out: “She takes little things and blows them way out of proportion. She brings up things that happened 10 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I never get it right. I’m not sure I could ever make her happy. When she gets angry I just shut down and want to get away.”
Have you figured out whether you are a pursuer or a withdrawer? What about your spouse? Typically the woman is the pursuer and the man is the withdrawer.
So once you and your spouse know which roles you play, how do you use that knowledge to improve your marriage?Answer: if you’re a pursuer, you can work on “softening” the things you say, such as changing critical statements into I statements that talk about how you feel. For example, “I feel lonely when you work so late” is much softer than “you work too much.” This kind of phrasing improves communication and makes your spouse less defensive. If you’re a withdrawer, you can resolve to try to stay more engaged in discussions, which becomes easier once the pursuing spouse begins to soften her communication.
In the very first marriage counseling session with a couple, I want to find out what they think their main issues are. I’ll say something like, “What brings you guys here?” or “What do you two need help with?” It’s always interesting (and informative) to see what happens at that point. Who talks first? And how long does he/she talk? Do both spouses allow that the partner has a different view on things which may have some validity?
But here’s what’s interesting. Around 80% of couples tell me that they have a communication problem! (Usually the wife is the one who says this.) It’s so common that after a while I began to wonder exactly what people mean when they say “communication problem”. They can’t all mean the same thing, right?
So now I always ask people for more details. A common answer (but not the only one) is that the wife feels like her husband doesn’t listen to her, doesn’t respect her viewpoint, and won’t tell her how he feels about things.
This will be my last post in 2007. See you next year!
This week I’m in Pasadena, studying Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). The workshop is being taught by two of the best-known researchers in the field.
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is quite different from many other marital therapies. There is no educational aspect to it: no lessons in communication skills or conflict management. Also, there is no behavioral aspect to it (such as trying to do more nice things for your spouse).
The three stages of EFT are:
- De-escalate the conflict cycle.
- Changing interactional positions (such as softening blame and getting the withdrawn partner to re-engage).
- Consolidate and Integrate.
EFT has done very well in effectiveness testing with real couples.
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