A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Posts Tagged ‘conflict’


Feb 17

Saving for a Rainy Day

By Jay Slupesky
No Comments
Communication

It’s perfectly normal for there to be occasional disagreements and conflict in healthy relationships andmarriages. While this type of interaction is probably not ideal, it truly is part of the reality of being in a committed relationship. Living side by side with another human being who may have a very different background and different ideas about life and money and family means that misunderstandings and miscommunications are inevitable.

What is interesting (if not completely awesome) is that while some conflicts are unavoidable, research has shown that having a reserve or reservoir of positive, caring exchanges and interactions can soften the blow. In fact, it can even help you to avoid overreacting to a misunderstanding. Think about it: if your spouse took the time to stop and notice something you did, or asked about a current stressful situation in your life, you will most likely feel more loved, attended to, and supported. Or consider if you and your partner shared a mutually loving and positive interaction or experience which increased your reservoirs of goodwill—such as taking a walk or hike together, working on a project around the house, cooking a meal together, having a “date night”, etc.—you will most likely feel better and closer and more willing to overlook momentary miscommunications or irritations.

So if it is true that this reservoir of goodwill serves as an antidote to potential squabbles, why not practice filling your spouse’s resorvoir? It’s free and painless and while it may feel like a drop in the bucket, it’s can be so much more. Enough drops over time create a reserve that can be drawn upon when conflict does arise.  I think of it as “saving for a rainy day.”

A few additional notes:

  • Challenge yourself to notice — not as a task or a chore but as a positive choice. It’s amazing how much you will begin to notice if you intentionally look for different and new ways to affirm your spouse.
  • If you cannot find anything on which to positively comment, or any activity to share with your spouse, try to learn: ask questions and get to know your spouse better. What matters most? What are some favorite hobbies or activities? What does a day in his or her life really look like? What are his/her goals, hopes and dreams?
  • Make sure that you find the best times to have these exchanges. Find out when your spouse is the least distracted and most open and able to receive what you have to share.
  • Last but not least, it’s not about you. The goal is to focus on your partner’s reservoir of goodwill regardless of how well or how equally you believe that your own reservoir is being filled. Give to give more, don’t give to get.



Mar 02

Marriage and Low Self-Esteem

By Jay Slupesky
2 Comments
Attachment



St. Michael Church, Livermore
Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

There have been many marriage, relationship, and love books written over the years, some quite good and very popular, but in my opinion, not enough has been written about the corrosive effect that low self-esteem inflicts upon a marriage, a problem that I see on a daily basis.

Individuals with self-esteem problems may view themselves in one or more of the following ways: deficient, lacking, a “loser”, hard to love, or unworthy of love. Now, since I believe the key relationship question is: “how much do I matter to you?”, those people with a self-image of unworthiness are going to be haunted frequently by doubts about how much they matter to the spouse, because they don’t feel deserving enough.

As a result, low self-esteem individuals tend to be on-guard to an extreme degree for perceived slights from the spouse or for any sign of a problem in the marriage. They typically will react defensively and strongly when they feel some type of threat. This means there will be more conflict than is normal when self-esteem is an issue.

Another problem exacerbated by low self-esteem is non-communication, and I’ll talk more about that in my next post.



Oct 27

Silence Not Golden

By Jay Slupesky
2 Comments
Communication



Kids and Teacher, Qaqortoq, Greenland

I usually have at least one new client couple per week. I like it that way; I enjoy meeting new couples and getting them going in the counseling process. The first session is always fascinating to me.  Will this couple be similar to others I’ve worked with?  Or will they tell me something unique that I’ve never encountered before?

In the first session I ask about the conflict level.  Occasionally a couple will tell me that they never argue.  “Never argue?  So you agree about everything?” I ask.  Well…no.  They don’t agree about everything.  No two people agree about everything.  What they are really indicating is that a lot of issues aren’t being discussed.

If one or both partners wants to avoid conflict, they might just not talk about what is bothering them.  Thus, the couple never argues!  Of course, they probably are feeling distant from each other, and they may be one reason they are in my office.

How to help the couple that never argues?  Convince them that it’s better to talk about problems than to act as if they don’t exist.  And teach them to talk about issues in a mutually respectful way, where both partners remain calm, there is no name-calling, no put-downs, and both parties feel understood.