A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

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Posts Tagged ‘conflict’


Oct 27

Silence Not Golden

By Jay Slupesky
2 Comments
Communication



Kids and Teacher, Qaqortoq, Greenland

I usually have at least one new client couple per week. I like it that way; I enjoy meeting new couples and getting them going in the counseling process. The first session is always fascinating to me.  Will this couple be similar to others I’ve worked with?  Or will they tell me something unique that I’ve never encountered before?

In the first session I ask about the conflict level.  Occasionally a couple will tell me that they never argue.  “Never argue?  So you agree about everything?” I ask.  Well…no.  They don’t agree about everything.  No two people agree about everything.  What they are really indicating is that a lot of issues aren’t being discussed.

If one or both partners wants to avoid conflict, they might just not talk about what is bothering them.  Thus, the couple never argues!  Of course, they probably are feeling distant from each other, and they may be one reason they are in my office.

How to help the couple that never argues?  Convince them that it’s better to talk about problems than to act as if they don’t exist.  And teach them to talk about issues in a mutually respectful way, where both partners remain calm, there is no name-calling, no put-downs, and both parties feel understood.