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Posts Tagged ‘criticism’


May 09

Learning to Like Criticism!

By Jay Slupesky
4 Comments
Communication

Wouldn’t it be great if you could take your spouse’s criticism and use it as an opportunity for additional knowledge, instead of as a source of conflict? How could this improve your marriage?

Author Harville Hendrix provides four general principles about criticism:

  1. Most of your partner’s criticisms of you have some basis in reality. While this may be a bitter pill to swallow, most spouses are experts at spotting and knowing their mate’s weaknesses and character flaws. If you are able not to react or become defensive, then these interactions provide an opportunity to acknowledge your own disowned traits and to grow and change.
  2. Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your spouse are disguised statements of your own unmet needs. This interaction also provides an opportunity for your spouse to gain information about his or her childhood wounds and unmet needs. Write down the specific criticism as well as a) feelings and thoughts that emerged when the spouse acts this way, b) feelings and thoughts that may be deeper than the ones first realized, and c) if these same thoughts and feelings were present in childhood?
  3. Some of your repetitive, emotional criticisms of your partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of yourself. It is often true that a criticism of another is a valid statement about oneself. While this takes courage, ask yourself the question, “In what way is my criticism of _______ (partner) also true of me?” It is much easier and more comfortable to spot a negative trait in your partner and criticize it than to separate it from your partner, own it, and address it within yourself.
  4. Some of your criticisms of your partner may help you identify your own “lost self”. Often, if a criticism is not a projection of a negative trait within you, it is an expression of an unconscious lost part of yourself. If you find yourself criticizing your spouse for being too much of something (too playful, too carefree, too dedicated, etc.), you are often identifying undeveloped or repressed parts of yourself that you wish you developed. When you see your spouse expressing these traits, you may become quietly jealous and resentful. Again, the key is to glean knowledge from these criticisms and use this information to grow and change toward a more full, conscious, and enriched self and relationship.