A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

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Posts Tagged ‘defensiveness’


Jul 31

Talking About Talking

By Jay Slupesky
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Communication

Coast Guard Cutter EagleAs I’ve written about before, probably more than half of the couples I meet with tell me that they have communication problems. Following are some questions that I ask to try to clarify exactly what the problem is. Ask yourself these questions!

  1. Can you tell your partner about things that are bothering you? Or do you keep those things to yourself because you don’t want to upset your partner? People who don’t talk about hurts can build up resentment.
  2. Do you feel “heard” by your partner? Does he/she respect your opinion and consider your point of view?
  3. Can you ask for partner for things that you want? Or are you afraid of being turned down or punished in some way?
  4. When you are partner disagree about something, do one (or both) of you refuse to talk about it? In other words, does one of you “withdraw” as a defense against possible conflict?
  5. Do you wish your partner were more willing to talk to you? Are you lonely and wanting deeper conversations?
  6. Does your partner always know how you feel? He/she will only know if you are feel free to talk about your feelings! (See #1)



Jun 19

If Angle A is Congruent with Angle B…

By Jay Slupesky
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Communication

Congruent PipesMarriage counselors often talk about the importance of a person achieving congruence in his or her communication with others. What is congruence? In a nutshell, it’s having your words match your feelings at all times. In other words, your words should be congruent with your feelings.

If you are hurting, lonely, or angry, can you tell you spouse/partner? That’s congruence! Do you keep your feelings to yourself for some reason? Or, even worse, do you pretend that nothing is wrong? Those are examples of incongruence.

Good communication in a couple relationship includes congruence by both partners. When a couple comes to me for marriage counseling, it’s not unusual to have blocked communication. For example, a man might be afraid to tell his wife how he is feeling because he fears her angry response. In this case, I work to (1) help the man overcome his fear of his angry wife, while at the same time (2) help the wife to respond to her husband with less anger and less defensiveness.