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Posts Tagged ‘Imago’
In previous posts, I’ve talked about a conscious marriage—what it means and what are its key characteristics. In Imago Relationship Therapy, there are various exercises that may be used in couples counseling (as taken from Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix) that help couples work toward a more conscious (meaning aware, honest, and insightful) marriage.
In this post, I will share one of these excersises called Your Relationship Vision. This exercise can be useful for any couple wanting to further define their relational goals and see the potential in their relationship. In the midst of differences, disagreements, and gripes, it can be refreshing to focus on a more hopeful future and the positive qualities you desire in the relationship!
Here are the steps:
- Separately, write down short sentences that describe your personal vision for a deeply fulfilling relationship. These sentences can include qualities that are already present as well as those that you desire. Write these sentences in the present tense (as if you are already doing these things). For instance, “We laugh a lot” or “We support each other publicly” or “We are involved and loving parents.” Also, make sure that the statements are all stated in the positive. For example, instead of writing, “We don’t yell at each other” state, “We work out our disagreements respectfully.”
- Next, share these sentences with each other. Underline any sentences that are the same (or express the same idea). Add any sentences to your list that your partner came up with that you agree with and want to add to your personal vision. Don’t do anything with the sentences that are not similar.
- Looking at your list, rank each sentences with a number between 1 and 5 with “1” being the most important to you and “5” being not so important.
- On your list, circle the two sentences that are most important to you and your relationship vision.
- On your list, put a check next to the items that you believe would be the most challenging for you and your partner to achieve.
- Now, working together, make a new list—a mutual relationship vision—from your individual lists. Start with the sentences that you both agree are most important. Then, put a check next to the sentences that you both agree would be most difficult to achieve. Write the sentences with the less important qualities in an agreed upon order. If there are sentences that cause disagreement, try to compromise on sentences that you both agree on. If this is not possible, leave the sentence off of the list.
- Put this list where you both can see it daily. Once a week, read it to each other to be reminded about your shared goal and vision for your relationship.
Last week I listed the first five of ten key characteristics—in behavior and attitude—in a “conscious marriage”, as described in Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. This type of marriage is based on honesty and awareness, and is geared toward safety, healing, and growth. Imago Relationship Therapy assists couples in moving toward this type of relationship and in taking the necessary steps to cultivate real, lasting, and rewarding change.
The remaining five characteristics of a conscious marriage are as follows:
6. You embrace the “dark side” of your personality. You acknowledge that you (like every other person), have traits or qualities that are negative and not constructive in the relationship. This process also requires accepting responsibility for these traits. The more that you are able to do this, the less you will assign or project these negative traits onto your spouse. In a conscious marriage, you recognize and accept responsibility for the dark side of your nature.
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires. Instead of employing unconscious, ineffective strategies to try and manipulate or coerce your partner into meeting your needs and wants, you utilize new techniques. You realize that it is possible to work with your partner and that he or she is not against you and can actually be a resource for you.
8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking. In a conscious marriage, you realize that one of the reasons that you were attracted to your spouse is that you saw strengths and abilities in him/her that you lack. You also accept that being with your partner and looking to him/her to be what you lacked gave you a false sense of wholeness. You learn that you are capable of developing the strengths, abilities and wholeness that you truly desire.
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole. You recognize that despite imperfect parenting and social conditioning, you do have the capacity to love without conditions and to experience unity with your spouse, others, and the world around you. You rediscover the need for this and that over time you lost touch with these qualities.
10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage. Previously, you believed that your marriage was not good or failing because you didn’t pick the right person. In a conscious marriage, you realize this is unrealistic and illusory and that it is your responsibility to be the best partner that you can be. You accept that marriage is hard and that it requires determination, commitment, compromise, discipline, and a lot of really hard work!
Another key concept of Imago Relationship Therapy is to develop a conscious marriage instead of an unconscious marriage where so much remains unidentified and may feel out of control or “beyond you.” In Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Harville Hendrix defines a conscious marriage as, “a marriage…created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole (p. 90).”
Again, this is a goal of Imago Therapy. Some of the key aspects of a conscious spouse (in both behavior and attitude) are listed below. I will mention five key indicators in this post and continue with the other five next week. (Again, these are taken from Hendrix’s book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.)
- You realize your love relationship has a hidden purpose: the healing of childhood wounds. Underneath surface needs and desires lie much deeper unresolved childhood issues. Recurring arguments or confusing aspects of your relationship may make more sense to you as you begin to discover their meaning, and a greater sense of understanding and control is gained.
- You create a more accurate image of your partner. Instead of fusing your partner with your primary caretakers (their deficiencies and the resulting needs that arose out of those deficiencies), you begin to see him or her more clearly. You “get” that he or she has a unique reality—not as your savior—but as someone who is also wounded and wanting to be healed.
- You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner. You abandon the childhood notion that those who love you most should be able to discern or intuit your needs or “read your mind.” In a conscious marriage you accept that, in order for your needs and wants to be known and understood, you have to communicate them. You accept that it is not your partner’s job to automatically know them and respond to them without your clear and honest communication.
- You become more intentional in your interactions. Instead of reacting without thinking, you train yourself to speak and behave in a more constructive and aware manner.
- You learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own. In an unconscious marriage, you assume that your partner exists in life to meet your needs and wants. As a conscious spouse, you let go of this narcissistic perspective (which is appropriate at a certain developmental stage as a child) and focus your energy and efforts on how to meet your partner’s needs and wants.
Again, none of these differences occur overnight or without concerted time, energy, effort and a commitment to grow and change. The transition from an unconscious to a conscious marriage is not easy and often uncomfortable and painful. Yet the rewards are great—including a more loving, supportive and intimate relationship.
Last week, I explained a bit about Imago Relationship Therapy, a type of couples counseling that I have found to be very effective in improving a couple’s communication. In this post, I’ll describe the core practice of Imago Therapy, namely, the Imago Dialogue. In this dialogue the couple engages in a three-part structured conversation. I teach the dialogue’s structure in counseling sessions, and we practice it extensively in my office. Eventually the couple is able to use the dialogue at home, away from my office.
The first part of the Imago Dialogue is listening to and mirroring (repeating back) a spouse’s concern. Mirroring is important because it provides an opportunity for the listener to convince the speaker that the listener heard and understood everything that was said. The second part of the Dialogue is validating, in which the listener insures that he/she understands the partner’s point of view without judgment - and without necessarily agreeing with it. This requires the listener to suspend his or her critique and to try to understand the other person’s perspective. (This is not easy!) The third part of the dialogue is empathizing - or truly feeling what your partner is feeling as if you were the one experiencing it.
The goal of the Dialogue is to be as fully attentive and respectful as possible during communication and, ultimately, to help each other heal and grow. This is not an easy process at first, but it can be learned with practice. The couple’s job is to commit to this challenging (yet highly rewarding) practice in order to become attentive and attuned to one another and to become witnesses to one another’s intimate experience and healing.
Imago Relationship Therapy is a branch of couples counseling based on the work of Harville Hendrix. The goal of Imago Therapy is for a couple to develop an aware, intimate, and committed relationship. In my work with couples, I utilize Imago Therapy and have found it to be extremely effective. I plan to devote a few posts to explain more about this type of marriage therapy and how it works.
One basic premise of Imago Therapy is that each of us become wounded during the early years of life, as a result of mistakes by our primary caregivers. We have a composite of all of the positive and negative traits of our primary caregivers stored in our unconscious mind, and this is called the Imago. When looking for our spouse, we search (without even necessarily realizing it!) for someone who matches this composite or Imago. We do this because, ultimately, we are searching for someone who will help us heal, address, or confront the “unfinished business” from childhood, and grow into more whole people.
While the first stage of romantic love brings a couple together, there is an inevitable power struggle that ensues as soon as a commitment is made. This power struggle (while uncomfortable, frustrating, angering, and often the reason why couples want outside support and help) is necessary and extremely important because it provides the information required for each partner’s lasting healing and growth.
Navigating this power struggle is another thing! It is a critical yet often daunting task. Thus, the core practice of Imago Relationship Therapy is an approachable three-part, structured process called the Imago Dialogue. In an upcoming post, I will describe and define the three parts of the Imago Dialogue, explain why each part is important, and describe how utilizing this dialogue can help each person be a better, more connected spouse.
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