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Posts Tagged ‘passive-aggressive’


May 22

Passive/Aggressive Behaviors

By Jay Slupesky
4 Comments
Communication

After reading last week’s post on passive-aggressive behavior (aggressive behavior cloaked in a curtain of passivity), you may be more curious about additional signs of passive-aggressiveness. Based on an article by Cathy Meyer, a Marriage Educator, some additional signs are:

  • Ambiguity: The passive-aggressive person typically does not say what s/he really wants to say or mean what s/he does actually communicate. S/he can be extremely ambiguous and the best way to learn how a passive-aggressive person thinks or feels about an issue is the way he or she behaves.
  • Forgetfulness: One way to conveniently avoid responsibility is to conveniently “forget”… Forgetting important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, date night, etc. is an easy way to indirectly inflict pain or punish a spouse or partner.
  • Blaming: Another way to avoid responsibility is to blame. A passive-aggressive person believes that s/he is never at fault and will most likely point the finger at you (easiest target) and, if not you, then something or someone else.
  • Lack of Expressed Anger: While the passive-aggressive person may seem copacetic with whatever you want, that is rarely the case. For whatever reason (e.g., anger is unacceptable; I must keep the peace; I don’t want to be exposed, etc.), this person will “stuff” the anger and go along with whatever (accommodate), but will then find some under-handed way to get back at you.
  • Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”
  • Fear of Intimacy: Related to dependency, the passive-aggressive person fears intimacy and trust. S/he will guard against becoming too attached and may create distance or punish the significant other if s/he feels this is happening in the relationship.
  • Obstructionism: It is important to the passive-aggressive person that you do not get what you want. S/he will act like it is important and a priority but will either make you wait a long time or will never follow through. Thus, it can be confusing because what is said and what is actually done are two very different things. Further, you can begin to feel like you are too demanding, which is exactly what the passive-aggressive person wants.
  • Victimization: Along with not accepting responsibility for anything and believing that s/he has no faults, the passive-aggressive person feels that s/he is often treated unfairly. For example, because being late was the slow grocery store cashier’s fault, s/he is “innocent” and the victim. S/he will feel very confused, attacked and outraged that you would even think to get upset. Thus, it is your fault. You are the one with unreasonable and overly demanding expectations…yet again. Or, the passive-aggressive person will sarcastically retort: “Yeah, I’m just terrible. It’s all my fault. I’m such a horrible person.” Of course, s/he does not believe this to be true but still avoids any real responsibility or discussion about what is really going on.
  • Procrastination: Deadlines do not exist for the passive-aggressive person. S/he does things in her or his own time frame and assumes that everyone else understands and complies with this. Or else.

It is clear how these traits and passive-aggressive behavior in general can impair or dissolve a relationship over time and make you wonder if it was ever “real” to begin with. It is miserable for both the person with the passive-aggressive tendencies as well as for the partner or spouse who feels totally drained, torn down, and tired of the “crazy making” interactions. Finding support can be the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling existence for both people in the relationship and to further understand this behavior and the role it plays in each partner’s life.



May 16

Whatever You Say is Fine, Dear.

By Jay Slupesky
1 Comment
Communication

In a previous blog entry I wrote about passive-aggressive behavior. Not everyone has a good understanding of what this type of conduct looks like, so I decided to devote a few posts to this common yet subtly toxic behavior that can impair relationships and marriages.

So then, what is passive-aggressive behavior? Think of someone who handles his anger by trying to sabotage things, or by being disruptive and uncooperative. The passive-aggressive person is unable or unwilling to express anger in a healthy and honest way, and so he unconsciously resorts to “getting even.” And by the way, the passive-aggressive person will usually deny that he is engaging in this type of behavior.

What might this actually look like in a marriage? Here are some examples:

  • A wife withholds sex from her husband as a way to subtly punish him for something he did that made her angry. Instead of talking about the issue, she decides she will get revenge by refusing to be sexual with him.
  • A man has a new lock put on the front door and “forgets” to give his wife the key.
  • A husband continually procrastinates doing some chores that his wife asked him to do. When she tries to talk about it, he won’t engage in healthy communication. Instead he says, “yes, you’re right. You’re right again, honey. I’m a terrible person. You are always right.”
  • A husband goes into work unnecessarily on a Saturday to punish his wife for embarrassing him at a party the night before.
  • A boss schedules an early-morning staff meeting but then shows up forty minutes late.
  • A woman talks on the phone for an hour when she knows that her husband is calling trying to get ahold of her.
  • A wife who says, “Go ahead. Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here in the cold.”
  • A stay-at-home parent who declares, “Your kids would like to see you at some point, you know.”
  • Or the classic: “Whatever you say is fine, dear.”

Do any of these examples sound familiar?

Passive-aggressive behavior shuts off any chance of dealing with what is actually going on between partners or spouses. And the anger builds.

Regardless of the cause, passive-aggressive behavior hurts both the person displaying it and the person on the receiving end. Typically, relationships are slowly drained of trust, happiness, and closeness.

The encouraging news is that if you struggle with passive-aggressive behavior, change is possible. By reclaiming the part of yourself that is holding back and interfering with living a full and authentic life, you can have healthy, honest communication and behavior in your most meaningful relationships.