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Posts Tagged ‘rules’


Jun 11

More Rules of Marriage

By Jay Slupesky
4 Comments
Marriage Dynamics

Last week, I introduced a book by Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage. The author hopes to help men and women learn new rules to help them succeed in their twenty-first-century marriage (probably more challenging now than ever before!). He offers various principles, practical tools, and effective strategies to help create intimacy, honesty, passion, and joy.

Real identifies four principles or “operating instructions” for twenty-first century couples:

  1. Relationship Empowerment: This principle focuses on putting your full self and full strength into the relationship. This approach is intentionally different from other options like acquiescing or, alternatively, focusing only on yourself and your needs. Relationship empowerment means valuing and empowering your spouse as well, thus helping the two of you to succeed.
  2. Full-Respect Living: Commitment to this principle means that you respect yourself and others (i.e., your spouse) no matter what. Regardless of what comes up, you choose respect. You do not tolerate or perpetuate anything else.
  3. Relationship Practice: Similar to Hendrix’s “conscious marriage” this principle calls for the cultivation of a “second consciousness” by continuing to bring the more regressed, ineffective, childish parts of yourself into adulthood. Despite strong (and sometimes seemingly overwhelming) pulls to live into old habits, roles, patterns and behaviors, relationship practice means that you choose (with all of your will!) to continue on a new, more conscious, healthy and rewarding path.
  4. Second Consciousness: This principle is about growing or strengthening the above-mentioned part of yourself that is more emotionally and relationally mature, rational, and constructive. This requires a commitment to growth, acquiring additional skills and tools, and empowering yourself to override old knee-jerk responses and reactions (the former consciousness).

With these principles as a foundation, next week I will talk about ten of twenty helpful practices that Real offers couples to strengthen and grow their marriage.



Jun 03

Keeping in Shape - Your Marriage, That Is.

By Jay Slupesky
No Comments
Marriage Dynamics

Most people know about and understand the benefits of cardiovascular health and physical fitness. So they go to the gym or go walking or running, and they pay attention to how much they eat and drink. On second thought, not everyone works out and eats right - but they know that they should.

But why isn’t the same (or more) energy and effort spent on keeping marriages strong and toned and in shape? Why is it that people typically pay more attention to their body than they do to their emotional health and relationships?

In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, Terrence Real applies this concept to a marriage. It doesn’t just take care of itself. You don’t just have a fulfilling, mutually satisfying marriage without work. A successful marriage requires time, energy, and effort. The title of Real’s book also reminds us that we live in a time of exponentially greater change with new roles, expectations and desires. And many people are still trying to make 21st Century relationships work with a 20th Century (outdated) model with all of its antiquated perspectives, roles and rules. So that’s not working in our favor either. And when desires and needs aren’t matched with effective skills, tools and training, it’s a recipe for an atrophied relationship!

The New Rules of Marriage offers just that: New rules. Similar to Harville Hendrix’s work, Terrence Real has extremely helpful insight into helping marriages grow and succeed. So for the next few weeks, I will post about the principles, practices, as well as losing and winning strategies Real offers couples to get, give and “sustain and enjoy the closeness that healthy getting and giving brings.”