A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

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Posts Tagged ‘silence’


Jan 22

Punishment by Silence

By Jay Slupesky
8 Comments
Communication



Flock of Dunlins in Flight
Photo © 2008 Jay Slupesky

Have you ever given your spouse the silent treatment? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment? In my experience, a person resorts to silence when they are angry and/or hurt and either (1) unable to communicate their feelings, or (2) want to punish their spouse. Or both.

The person who is choosing silence has temporarily claimed some power in the relationship. Things are going to be on hold until he or she decides to end the silence. The other person may be protesting the situation and making repeated attempts to repair things, but it only ends when the silent person wants it to end. That’s a position of power that the silent person may feel they normally are lacking.

To be on the receiving end of silence is no fun. In fact, it’s painful. Some clients have told me how they develop physical symptoms and/or acute depression after a few days of no communication with the person they love.

When I encounter this situation in my counseling office I usually ask the silent person a few thought-provoking questions. These are:

  • What benefits are you receiving from this situation?
  • What will make you decide to end the silence?
  • What effect do you think this is having on your spouse?

I think the first question is the most important one. It usually takes some time for the person to figure out the answer, but when they do, they usually realize that are making a big mistake.