A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Posts Tagged ‘suggestions’
It’s no secret that some men are reluctant to attend marriage counseling. Some of those who do begin counseling only do so because their wives have talked them into it. How can we make the therapy process more male-friendly? Here’s what I recommend (and what I do in my practice):
- Consider a male therapist. A husband will believe that another man will understand him better than a female therapist would.
- Use a strategic approach. A man is likely to favor a specific plan that solves identifiable problems. What he probably doesn’t want is to spend hour after hour talking about feelings.
- Don’t dwell on the past. A man is less likely to want to go into details about his childhood years. He wants to work on what is happening now and what will happen in the near future.
As I’m sure you are aware, most marriage counseling takes place with both the husband and the wife present. However, over the past year or so I have had a handful of cases in which only one spouse attended counseling because the other spouse refused to come. In almost every case, remarkable progress was made in the marriage as a result of the one spouse’s counseling experience.
I think that an individual who begins marriage counseling without his/her spouse in attendance shows true dedication and commitment. I would have expected that more often it would be the wife who would begin counseling alone, but in my experience it’s been about equally split between husbands and wives.
So how does it work? Obviously, I only get a firsthand report from one person. However, I also strive to figure out how the absent spouse feels about things. I do this by asking the attending individual what the absent spouse says (which would be counsidered inadmissable hearsay evidence in a court!) and then inferring what emotions are in play.
At this point I can begin making concrete suggestions to the attending individual regarding what he/she can do to make immediate improvements to the relationship.
The real payoff is when the absent spouse, impressed by the changes that the other person has made, begins to attend counseling.
Joke of the day:
- Marriage is love.
- Love is blind.
- Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind!
We can laugh out loud (LOL) at that one. But I wonder if there is a kernel of truth in it?
Wouldn’t our relationships be less conflictual and more satisfying if we could be “blind” to some of our spouse’s faults? You know that your spouse is not perfect, and you probably can reluctantly admit that you aren’t perfect either. So overlooking some of the little things about your spouse that drive you crazy could be a good thing. Remember that you are doing some things that drive your spouse crazy too.
So consider those things that drive you nuts and put on your blinders. Try it for a day, then a week, and see what happens. I bet you’ll be amazed!
John Gottman writes and speaks about how important it is for couples to have lots of conversation. He points out that a good conversation every day has a big effect of reducing stress between two people. In marriage counseling, I frequently find myself in the position of trying to get couples to talk to each other more than they do. I doing so, I have met the enemy, and the enemy is television.
I am amazed at how much television people watch these days. When I ask couples how they spend a typical evening, many of them say something like “eat dinner, watch TV all evening, then go to bed.” I point out to them that it’s hard to have a conversation with the television on. In response, some people say they talk during the commercials! This is when I roll my eyes (actually I can’t roll my eyes, but if I could, I would do it at this point). Even if you mute the television while the commercials are on, most people are still looking at the screen. So how good can the conversation be if (1) it can only be as long as the commercials last, and (2) instead of looking at the person you’re speaking with, you are looking at the television? Not very good.
Of course, this presumes that both people are watching the same television. Some couples tell me that one person watches television in one room while the other watches a different television in a different room. This is because they don’t like the same shows. Yikes! Don’t people want to be together anymore? And what happened to compromise, at least when it comes to deciding what to watch?
As a marriage counselor, I work lots of evenings because that’s the only time a lot of couples can attend counseling sessions. Because I work evenings, I couldn’t watch much TV even if I wanted to. I don’t even know who is in the running for American Idol. I’ve never seen House or Desperate Housewives. Oh well.
So, a modest proposal: turn off the TV an hour earlier (or turn it on an hour later) than you normally would, and do something (anything) else. Play a game (Twister, anyone?). Go for a walk. Give each other massages. Oh yeah, and talk to each other.
Create rituals. What is a ritual? I’m talking about celebrations, traditions, and routines that are a regular part of your marriage – or maybe even your whole family.
Developing family rituals provides meaning for family interactions and helps clarify roles and responsibilities within the family.
I’ll give you an example. One couple that I worked with has a ritual that I really like. For them, Sunday night is ice-cream and games night. The whole family participates and they invite friends too. They have a variety of ice cream flavors on hand and set up the containers in something like a buffet line. Sound like fun to me. The point is that every member of the family looks forward to all week long. It’s an important part of the family’s identity, and it gives the husband and wife a feeling of pride, of working together, and a sense of connectedness.
Another couple I know recites their wedding vows to one another every year on their anniversary. Then they take a limousine ride to a hotel – just like they did on their wedding night. The next day they go on a vacation – just like they did for their honeymoon.
Traditions also help to preserve the couple’s parable, or “story.” Families are eager to share their memories and experiences; the process of telling their stories seems to bring them together as they laugh and remember.
Many couples don’t talk much about their goals. Well, maybe they have a goal to own their own their home or the desire to retire by a certain age. But beyond that, people seem to be so busy with daily life: job, kids, chores, and paying bills that they feel like they don’t have time to think about their goals. Yet, these are the marriages that can be at risk when their kids leave home and the nest is empty.
So, how to avoid the empty-nest crisis? One good method is for you and your spouse to cultivate a deeper sense of shared meaning. In other words: what are you two of you about? What’s your parable? Do you have goals as a couple?
Those of you in business, I’m sure, know about writing a business plan. A business plan describes a company’s goals and expected course of action for some time period, perhaps over the next few years. You usually need to show your business plan to investors or to lenders. I say that if this kind of planning ahead is such a good idea in business, why not apply it to your personal life too? Why not sit down with your spouse and write a marriage plan, or maybe a family plan? You’ve just given yourselves a new shared meaning. And as you work to achieve those goals, you start to feel more like a team then just two individuals.
Many couples who have been married for some years know that it’s important to have a regular Date Night. This is a time when you get away from the kids and the television and do something romantic, like seeing a movie and a going to a candlelight dinner. Some couples who make the quality of their relationship a high priority will have a Date Night on a regular basis - such as every Saturday night.
Well, believe it or not, scientists have been studying the Date Night phenomenon with experiments, laboratory studies, and (I kid you not) brain-scan data! And they have found out something very important: you need variety and new experiences in your Date Nights. You don’t want to be going to the same restaurant over and over again. You need to try new things such as a new restaurant, maybe a new hobby that interests the two of you, or going the amusement park.
The experiments have shown that new experiences will activate the brain’s “reward” system of dopamine and norepinephrine in the same manner as in the early phases of a love affair. You are actually altering your brain chemistry in a way that allows you to feel a more romantic love.
So if your relationship is feeling routine - if the butterflies have flown the coop - try doing some new things together on a regular basis!
Number 3 in the Marriage Therapist’s Tips list is to let your spouse influence you. Let your spouse influence you. I don’t want to be sexist, but in this case I’m talking more to the men out there. Women, in general, have no problem being influenced by their husbands, but some men have a difficult time accepting influence from their wives.
What does it mean to accept influence? Here’s a classic example: the “toilet seat issue.” The typical woman gets irritated when her husband leaves the toilet seat up. How long would it take for the man to put it down? About half a second, right? A man can score major points with his wife just by putting the seat down.
I’d like to point out that this is a case where you can actually “win by losing.” That’s because when a man accepts influence from his wife, his wife is much more likely to “go easy” and not be harsh the next time that couple is discussing a difficult marital topic. And that makes it much more likely that the marriage will thrive.
Marriage Therapist’s Tip# 2 is to build up appreciation and fondness for your spouse. Now, I’m sure that when you and your spouse were dating and for the first few years of your marriage, you had nothing but fondness and admiration for one another. That may be a distant memory for some of you now. In fact, in an unhappy marriage the spouses even feel some contempt for one another. Let me ask you a few questions as a quick check on how you feel about your spouse. Can you name three things that you admire about him/her? When you are apart, do you often think fondly of him/her? When your spouse comes into the room, are you glad to see him/her?
So now you’re asking, what can I do to increase the fondness and admiration in my marriage? It’s easy! Tell your spouse what you admire about him/her, and do it often! If you want to get started on this tonight, think of one thing you appreciate your spouse and then tell them about it. I bet you will get a good response, and it will be more likely that he/she will be more responsive to you.
You can improve your relationship by becoming an expert on your spouse’s life, because happily married couples are intimately familiar with each other’s lives. What do I mean by intimately familiar? I mean you know whether or not he likes pickles on his hamburger. You know why her boss is being a jerk lately. You know who he’s going to vote for next November. You know when her mother’s birthday is and what kind of birthday cake she would like.
Why should know your spouse that well? Because couples who are that into each other are able to survive marital stresses such as the birth of the first child, the death of a parent, or a serious illness.
It’s pretty easy, really, to become an expert on your spouse’s life. In marriage counseling, I recommend that couples spend at least 20 minutes every evening just talking to each other and finding out what happened during the day, finding out what she is excited about, finding out what he is stressed about.
So: do you think you know your partner well? Here’s a pop quiz: do you know who his or her best friends are? If not, make it a point to find out tonight. Your spouse will appreciate your interest.
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