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Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Jan 07

The Anatomy of Grey

By Jay Slupesky
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Marriage Dynamics

Shades of GreyWhen I’m talking to couples in marital therapy, there are a few things that I’m always listening for. One thing that gets my attention is all or nothing thinking, which I prefer to call black or white thinking.  A person who thinks in terms of black and white can’t see all the subtle shades of grey that lie in between those two extremes. What this means is that things that happen to this person tend to be perceived as either great or terrible; they can’t be somewhere in between.  

Here’s a simple (fictional) example: if a husband forgets to pick up his wife’s dress at the dry cleaner, and that’s the dress she was going to wear to the party tonight, and the dry cleaner is now closed until Monday…well, that’s going to be a big disappointment.  If  wife interprets this as he must not love me, I will point out the flaw in her thinking. Maybe (hopefully) the guy loves her to bits - but is just forgetful.

Black or white thinking can ruin relationships. In my example above, when the husband hears his wife say that he obviously doesn’t love her anymore, he is likely to get upset and defensive, and a nasty argument could ensue. (And by the way, neither of them is going to enjoy the party!) If conflicts like this happen on a regular basis, the result could be the beginning of emotional disengagement. To continue my example, at some point the husband is going to begin to withdraw from his wife just to protect himself.

So remember…in between black and white there are many shades of grey!

This entry was posted on Monday, January 7th, 2008 at 10:07 am and is filed under Marriage Dynamics.

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