Whatever You Say is Fine, Dear.

May 16

By Jay Slupesky

In a previous blog entry I wrote about passive-aggressive behavior. Not everyone has a good understanding of what this type of conduct looks like, so I decided to devote a few posts to this common yet subtly toxic behavior that can impair relationships and marriages.

So then, what is passive-aggressive behavior? Think of someone who handles his anger by trying to sabotage things, or by being disruptive and uncooperative. The passive-aggressive person is unable or unwilling to express anger in a healthy and honest way, and so he unconsciously resorts to “getting even.” And by the way, the passive-aggressive person will usually deny that he is engaging in this type of behavior.

What might this actually look like in a marriage? Here are some examples:

A wife withholds sex from her husband as a way to subtly punish him for something he did that made her angry. Instead of talking about the issue, she decides she will get revenge by refusing to be sexual with him.
A man has a new lock put on the front door and “forgets” to give his wife the key.
A husband continually procrastinates doing some chores that his wife asked him to do. When she tries to talk about it, he won’t engage in healthy communication. Instead he says, “yes, you’re right. You’re right again, honey. I’m a terrible person. You are always right.”
A husband goes into work unnecessarily on a Saturday to punish his wife for embarrassing him at a party the night before.
A boss schedules an early-morning staff meeting but then shows up forty minutes late.
A woman talks on the phone for an hour when she knows that her husband is calling trying to get ahold of her.
A wife who says, “Go ahead. Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here in the cold.”
A stay-at-home parent who declares, “Your kids would like to see you at some point, you know.”
Or the classic: “Whatever you say is fine, dear.”

Do any of these examples sound familiar?

Passive-aggressive behavior shuts off any chance of dealing with what is actually going on between partners or spouses. And the anger builds.

Regardless of the cause, passive-aggressive behavior hurts both the person displaying it and the person on the receiving end. Typically, relationships are slowly drained of trust, happiness, and closeness.

The encouraging news is that if you struggle with passive-aggressive behavior, change is possible. By reclaiming the part of yourself that is holding back and interfering with living a full and authentic life, you can have healthy, honest communication and behavior in your most meaningful relationships.

Tags: passive-aggressive

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 16th, 2010 at 2:52 pm and is filed under Communication.

One Response to “Whatever You Say is Fine, Dear.”

Annie Says:
May 18th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
Looking forward to the rest of the Article!! I recognize this pattern….:(
You have good information on your page……Thank you~

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