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Jan 11

Why it Hurts

By Jay Slupesky
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Attachment, Communication


Contrail Over San Francisco Bay
Photo © 2009 Jay Slupesky

When I meet with couples whose marriages are in crisis, I see people in severe emotional pain. Why is it so painful when your relationship is troubled? What is it that keeps us awake at night?

According to psychological “Attachment Theory” we are all born with a need for emotional closeness and connectedness with others. As children this need is satisfied by our parents, but as adults we need love and responsiveness from another adult.

Back to the couple whose marriage is troubled: the secure attachment with another adult is damaged and may even be close to ending. We’re not getting the love that we need from another adult. That is painful enough. The thought that the relationship might end can be scary.

By the way, the need for secure attachment explains a lot of the anger that occurs in a couple’s relationship. When we perceive a threat to our happy relationship, we protest. Unfortunately, the protest often takes the form of anger and harsh words (which damages things even more) rather than a a clear statement expressing a heartfelt need (which should result in more intimacy). That’s why good communication skills are so important.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, January 11th, 2009 at 5:18 pm and is filed under Attachment, Communication.

2 Responses to “Why it Hurts”

  1. BrodNeil Says:
    January 16th, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Hi,

    I agree through experience and observation that good communication skills are so important. Be it in marriage or other relationships that we have. That includes to business partners/relationships.

    I think this is what makes us more human - to communicate well.

  2. n Says:
    July 30th, 2009 at 11:42 am

    i agree. as i child i didn’t connect to my parents and as an adult i need to connect with my husband. when that doesn’t have or vaguely happens, its very frustrating for me. he’s the only connection i have and not a very good one.

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