A Marriage Therapist's Blog
Thoughts on Marriage Counseling
Using the defense mechanism of withdrawal means to escape from reality by withdrawing from it. Of course, reality in this case would be something that provokes anxiety, such as an uncomfortable situation. Think of a husband who works long hours, not because he must do so for the sake of his job, but because he’d rather not have to communicate with his wife. Another example might be aExa couple who watches TV all evening rather than doing something meaningful together to build their relationship.
The withdrawing person uses his or her own fantasies as a substitute for experiencing the real world. The fantasy is much easier to deal with and does not cause anxiety.
People who depend on withdrawal do not often express their feelings. Of course, this very often frustrates their spouses, who are lonely and looking for an emotional connection.
One final point: another way to withdraw from reality is to drink. After the third glass of wine, the mind is dulled enough that the world is easy to deal with.
Tags: Defense Mechanisms
This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 at 10:29 pm and is filed under Defense Mechanisms.
8 Responses to “Withdrawal: Replacing Reality with Fantasy”
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December 14th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
wow! i learned a lot from this post…it might be short explanation but full of ideas.thank you so much
January 5th, 2011 at 3:43 pm
I agree, however I’ve found that often the anticipation of a tough discussion is often worse than the event itself. I use that to help me initiate tough conversations with my wife when I don’t want to. Always better on the other side.
February 2nd, 2011 at 3:35 am
Nice post… It’s informative…
Thanks
February 17th, 2011 at 2:09 am
I met a man on a forum who was having marital difficulties. He was writing as if he may commit suicide, so I reached out to him. We were both married for over 25 years and have children. In the process of helping him..we fell in love. He did eventually divorce his wife. I wanted to divorce also..but my marriage was not as bad as his. And my husband is very successful and makes a good income, I donot have to work outside the home. He has been waiting on me for 5 years. but during those five years,alot happened in my family. Two of my 3 children graduated college and then married. they were big weddings. My younger sister had died, and then my father in law also passed away..during the time of our affair. We never met face to face, because the temptation would have been too great..but we did know what each other looked like. we talked everyday…sometimes all day. He started a business, I picked out the colors and helped pick out the name, the furnishings and appliances. He has me in everything..from the type of car that he drives, even the color. He bought a tractor, the kind i like..for when i came there to eventually be his wife. he cooks my meals for holidays..his children knew about me…his mother..He loved my kids, even though they never knew about him. all of this was going on for 5 years. I just could not leave my marriage..
August 3rd, 2011 at 1:37 am
I think most people perform some kind of withdrawal. Some even on a fundamental level (religion). I have met quite a few women who turned out to be in strong denial of reality. They would dream up lives and careers as artists, singers, models or writers, mostly inspired by books, movies and TV-series.
The fantasies did not seem to cause anxiety directly, but caused them to continuously be disappointed by real life. The irony is that it was the fantasies that prevented them from actually achieving something tangible in their lives.
September 21st, 2011 at 10:57 am
Once a cheater always cheater …or am i wrong?
I got married to a wonderful man who I met on the Internet 9 years ago in a yahoo chat room. We dated long distance for 2 years, and though it was hard, we finally decided to tie the knot. I know he loves me, but I had wondered if he was really “Into the relationship.” I always suspected him of cheating on me because of a series of things would happen when I would go to see him. The very first time I went to his apartment there was a framed picture of a girl he once liked in his apartment. I even found a letter he wrote to this other girl he hadnâ��t met saying he loved her. We fought about it and he convinced me to give him a second chance. When I talked to him on the phone I could hear him typing away and when I asked him it was always his mom he was talking to other random girls who needed “advice” who were just “friends” Being a long distance relationship, I know we both have needs. So, after a year or two of having my suspicions, 3 months after we got married, I finally found out that the whole time we were together he was talking to other women on the phone that he met in chat rooms and had phone sex with them time and time again. I canâ��t help but wonder If he was hiding this from me, how many women did he actually meet and have sex with while we were together? I love this man so much, and he says he loves me, he hasn’t cheated on me since we got married because he works 50 hours a week and goes to school in the evenings in a place where isnâ��t many women, I have seen it in person and taken trips with my family and come home unexpectedly . I Thought he was genuinely sorry…and i started to trust him completely. He supported me through school, He was a very good different. Then when i got pregnant( a planned pregnancy) which turned out to be very complicated that almost cost me my life. He started an Internet relationship all over again with a woman he met on craigslist. He says he has never met her in person or talked to her on the phone or ever intended to. I found out about this when i was 7 months pregnant and living with his parents waiting for the sale of our new home to go though. I was too scared to go through the email account as i didn’t want to risk the life of my baby. The doctors were already worried about me going into preterm labour because of fibroids in my uterus and so i was urged not to exert myself in anyway. Anyways….He insists that their relationship was strictly Platonic and that their conversations were just mainly talks of me and my pregnancy and all she was a shoulder to cry on. He says what lead him to this was not knowing how to help me during my time of extreme need. He has no sisters and a mom who is so wrapped up in her religious beliefs, he had no where to turn. It was also more stress as he had just started a new job and was still in school. He worried all the time if he shared his fears with me..it would push me over the edge so that’s why he got online with the intention of finding someone who had been through something similar to help him out. Sounds reasonable enough..but the part that gets is if it was as innocent as he makes it sound that why did he delete the email account. He admits she even asked him out to coffee and he declined and the only reason he logged back into the account after a long period of absence was out of curiosity to her response. Before closing the account he told her he no longer would need her and says he no longer talks to her. I don’t know the email account address, i don’t know what was in it. All i know is her name is Emily..she is 29 years old, a graduated lawyer from MSU and a lesbian in a relationship of 6 years with a woman with whom they conceived a child through a sperm bank. They live here in Michigan near the Howell area. It breaks my heart to know he kept this a secret from me. He has been acting really sorry and is a good husband but he has done this act before . I hate seeing him walk on eggshells all the time, he is a really good husband and a great father and comes from a really good home as I do, and he has definitely done a lot to earn my trust but Iâ��m scared of letting my guard down….I don’t what should I do?..I don’t know how to heal..all my attempts to move past this seem to fail. I am all alone in Michigan ..i have no family here but my 10 month old daughter and his ENTIRE family. My closest family is 5 hours away. I have a few friends but they all live and hour away as we moved into our home. I have difficulty going out to malls because i wonder who “she”is..I cant join Mommy and me groups for the same reasons. That and we have to keep our daughter free from viral infections until she is at least a year old. I do go and visit my family often these days because it provides an escape as i often feel like i am living a double life. I smile with my daughter and husband and in-laws but i am screaming and crying inside. It seems he really wants to work things out ..He is very forthcoming with ANYTHING i ask.Only problem is he can’t prove any of it. I am just so heartbroken to know where to start.. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. I am dealing with it alone. I found out about this whole thing exactly 1 year ago and my heart has not healed even a little. I can not go on this way. I have to move past this or i will be responsible for wracking my own marriage and my life and that of my daughters. I wasn’t not like this before..i am a fun loving , down to earth loyal person. I am always humming a tune because there is always music in my head. I always help people and i don’t expect anything in return. I just like to be me. Now..i struggle at humming tunes, i don’t want to smile, i have lost myself..and i really miss me A LOT ha ha ha. I really wish i could trust him enough to believe what he says. I am often lost and confused not knowing whats true and whats not. I am so scared of being a fool again, i cannot for the life of me let my guard down. I am writing this blog to help myself heal. I have no idea how that’s going to happen or if this will even help. I don’t expect any followers but should someone read this and decide to follow..i thank you
My goals
-Find me again
- Loose my pregnancy weight( i have 20lbs to go)
-Start going out more
-Use this horrible experience to get to know my husband again but this time staying true to ME first.
-learn to let go of the past and embrace the future
-Reconnect with God. I always have had a great relationship with him but i am going to make it better.
I plan on accomplishing these goals by September next year. I plan on being me again. A better me. I will continue sharing my journey on this blog until then.
October 4th, 2011 at 8:01 am
I agree. Withdrawal from one person in a relationship can cause the other person to feel rejected and not good enough, which can cause a bad cycle in the relationship.
December 31st, 2011 at 3:49 am
Dear Bri -
Good for you for realizing that you can only change you.
I would suggest that you check out a website called Recovery Nation. It sounds as if your husband is a sex addict. Recovery Nation has a wonderful workshop for partners of sex addicts. I have been where you are and it can and does get better. Healing is possible. It all begins with you though.
Good luck to you -
Sue