A Marriage Therapist's Blog

 

Thoughts on Marriage Counseling

 

Aug 13

The Three Phases of a Man’s Affair-Thinking

By Jay Slupesky
Add comments
Infidelity, Marriage Dynamics

Door Number 1, Door Number 2, or Door Number 3?
In working with couples who have recovered from infidelity, I’ve pieced together the thought process that gets people into and out of affairs. I’ve written the following from the perspective of a man, but it wouldn’t be too much different for a woman. By the way, this thinking (except for the parts about sex) applies to emotional affairs as well as physical ones.

  1. Excitement. “Wow! An attractive woman likes me! Yes! Even though I’m [insert age here] I’m still in good shape and attractive.  I’ve still ‘got it’!  This is going to be great.  I haven’t felt this much excitement in my life for a long time. We’re going to have a lot of fun and I’m going to be happier now.  My girlfriend understands me, unlike my wife, who hasn’t understood me for years.  I just have to be careful so that my wife will never find out about it. Actually the sneaking around part adds to the excitement!”
  2. Boredom. “This is starting to become monotonous. And it’s getting harder to sneak out of work and then to make excuses at home. My wife is asking why we aren’t intimate anymore, and at the same time the sex with my girlfriend is boring now. That excitement I felt a few months ago is gone. And my girlfriend is starting to annoy me; she wants to know where this ‘relationship’ is going.”
  3. Reality. “Maybe my wife isn’t really the problem, because things weren’t any better with my girlfriend. Maybe I have some issues of my own that I should look at.  Maybe it’s true that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. I’ve cut things off with my girlfriend, but my wife is very suspicious because of some e-mails that she found. I wonder if I should come clean with her or if it’s better to keep denying everything.  I really hope my wife doesn’t leave me.”

Tags: ,

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 13th, 2008 at 3:42 pm and is filed under Infidelity, Marriage Dynamics.

Leave a Comment